Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
