I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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