dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
