How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
