Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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