I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
what day is it and did you see me today?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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