I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
