he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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