I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
