My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
not ubering you a puppy
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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