Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
