if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
