just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
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