i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
