I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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