The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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