Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
