I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
