They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
