He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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