I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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