So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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