pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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