Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
