i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
