I accidentally had phone sex last night
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
