shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
