Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
