every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
