if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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