she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
