3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
How's work?
Spinning.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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