I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
