Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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