I saw his package. It spoke to me.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
