Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
this boner is exhausting
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
