3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I am available for nakedness
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
