There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
