so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You need a sexual gate keeper
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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