I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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