My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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