so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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