I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
