Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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