I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
