and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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