You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
