____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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