We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
