sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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