I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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